Guilt

Do you ever have days where you feel really guilty as a parent? I know I do. For instance, lately I've been procrastinating on doing Indiana's home physical therapy. Partly it's because it's a daunting task, one I'm sure she's not going to enjoy. Also, sometimes I'm lazy. There. I said it. And partly, it's kind of the last trick in our bag. We've tried everything for her arthritis: acupuncture, electro-acupuncture, chiropractic and applied kinesiology, reiki and massage, underwater treadmill therapy, bottles and bottles of supplements and painkillers. Technically, stem cell therapy is an option, but it's really more of a last-ditch desperate effort. So physical therapy is kind of our last option of things we're not already doing. Aside from the fact that I know she'll hate it, what if it doesn't work? If I don't try it, then it's still in our back pocket as that potential lifesaver. If I do try it, and it doesn't work, then what are we left with? It's almost like it's better not to know.

I realize I need to start the therapy. My fears and weaknesses have no place in this decision. Indy is doing well, but if the therapy can make it better, then I owe her that.

I wake up every morning feeling bad about all of the ways I have left Indiana (and my other pets) down in the past, and how I continue to do so. I don't brush her teeth very often, and I should do it every day. Some days I forget to put the essential oils on her tumor, to help prevent it from growing. And don't even get me started with the guilt over walks.

The thing is, I focus so much on the the things that I'm not doing, that I forget to take stock of the things that I do. Like the faithful twice-weekly underwater treadmill, a 2 1/2 hour round trip. The thrice-daily meals and the daily kidney fluids. The constant ordering of pills and supplements, trips to the vet and the health food store, remembering to buy food every week, keeping track (usually pretty well) of when tests need to be done. Considering Indiana was supposed to die four and a half years ago, I guess I haven't done everything wrong.

I know I will continue to focus on what I'm missing, and while this makes me sad sometimes, it ultimately pushes me to be the best parent I can be. And that is just what all of my children deserve.