One Where I Get All Deep

This photo is totally unrelated.  But cute.

So, I had a major revelation yesterday.  I'm kind of proud of it, actually.  I won't go into specifics just yet, because, as with everything, it's complicated, but it occurred to me that we often confuse pride for happiness. 

Let's say that you have a job that you're really proud of.  Something that makes for good conversation at a party.  You're really proud that you're, say, the director of an environmental non-profit.  You're really good at it, it was your dream job, and people think it's neat.  It's noble.  You have a job that not everyone has, or can do.  But your job doesn't make you happy.  Maybe it takes you away from home more often than you like.  Maybe you have to travel.  Maybe it's a lot of paperwork and red tape, and lot less chaining-yourself-to-redwoods than you expected. 

But, I'm good at running my environmental non-profit, you say to yourself.  I've made it really successful, and a lot of people benefit from it.  I *am* this organization.  Everyone knows me as Joe Schmoe, Environmental Non-Profit Director.  But then you realize that you hate the ins-and-outs of the job.  They say you have to take the good with the bad, but you find that the bad just doesn't always seem worth it.  You suddenly realize that though you take a lot of pride in your job, maybe even have your identity wrapped up in it, it doesn't make you happy.  You realize that what would make you happy is something totally different.  Maybe you don't even know what that "something different" is, just that it suddenly isn't your non-profit anymore.

Then comes this guilt.  How can I let go something that was my dream?  Something I put so much time into?  Something that makes me special, makes me me.  You worry that by leaving your non-profit, your dream, you will lose a bit of yourself.  All you know is that while you're proud of your job, it's not making you happy. 

And that's it.  That's as far as I've gotten.  But I think I'm right.  Pride and happiness are two totally different things.  I think the key to letting go of the pride is to find it within yourself, without needing outside confirmation that you are something special.  I struggle with this every day.  And someday I hope to have the rest of the answer.  When I do, I'll let you know.