Realizations

Today is my first free day in about forever.  I had a melding of my two lives this past weekend; five days of talking about animal wellness/cancer/nutrition and two days of singing 17th century French music. 

I say "my two lives," because sometimes that's how it feels.  I am two different people, who live two dramatically different lives in two very different places.  The cancer crusader lives in Kankakee, Illinois, and spends her time not only taking care of her own clan of animals, but also fighting to promote wellness for other pets.  She is selfless and sacrificing, and wants what is best for others.  The professional singer lives in Kankakee, Illinois but works in Chicago, and spends her time driving back and forth, entertaining people and practicing and studying.  She is selfish and egotistical, and while she wants to bring joy to others through her music, she really wants to feel good about herself and her art.  I'm not an entirely selfish person as a singer; I really honestly do want to make a connection with my audience.  But I don't think you can make it in the entertainment world without a little big of ego (with all the rejection, you'd be a muddy pile of depression if you didn't think you were pretty good). 

Because my two lives are so far apart not only in style but also geography, I've struggled for a while with how to fit the two together.  Can I fit the two together?  Spending this weekend with both selves, I didn't come up with a solid answer, but I think I got closer.

You see, the cancer crusader got to talk to a lot of parents about nutrition and wellness.  With some, it went in one ear and out the other.  That's the nature of life.  But with others, I could see the light go on; something "clicked" for them, and I could see it.  That's what I live for.  That moment when you know that what you've just said will make a difference for that person, that what you said will change the life of their pet.  I'm fairly certain I convinced a few parents to stop feeding corn-based foods in favor of holistic, human-grade products.  Call me crazy, but that kind of thing gives me a high.  I rock.

But then the singer got to do a performance for a (decently) large crowd, and while she did make one significantly (to her) large mistake, she didn't mess up where she expected to, and probably no one noticed anyway.  Hopefully.  I heard some really positive feedback from people in the audience, and while it feels great to have exceeded your own expectations, what really feels great is to know that the audience is happy.  My colleagues and I put on a great concert.  I love working with these people, making a connection with them, and making real music.  That rocks too.

I think I've been trying to talk myself into being either the cancer crusader or the singer.  But I think the answer lies in finding a balance of both.  I would never give up fighting for animals, but I don't think I'd be happy without singing in my life.  So while it complicates my life (a lot), I have to find a way to let the two me's live in harmony, if you'll pardon the pun.