Having It All Figured Out

(Sorry for the graphic picture, but it's cute, yes?)

Some days (ok, most days), I look at my animals, and I am totally envious of their lifestyle.  They seem to have it all figured out.  Eat, sleep, play a little bit.  All their meals are prepared for them.  The biggest decision the cats make in any given day is whether to sleep on the heated cat perch or in the sunbeam on the blanket on the chaise lounge.  Rough. 

I, on the other hand, feel totally lost these days.  While I live a relatively structured life (7am, 2pm, 9pm feedings make life a bit inflexible), I still don't feel like I have my life figured out.  I am a Mom, that I know for sure.  But what else am I?  Singer, library volunteer, friend, daughter, animal cancer activist, wife, artist, environmentalist, everything else, nothing else.  Where do these things fit?  How do they fit?  Can I be all of them?  I'm 33 years old and yet I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  Some days I think this is ok, but other days, I am itching for a change, for some big revelation.  I want to do something big, and I want it to make a difference. 

I also wonder sometimes what things I do for me, and what things I do for others.  It's ok to give of yourself, but sometimes those things are draining and don't belong in our lives.  Even while giving to others, we can give back to ourselves, but when it's only one way, we are getting little out of it.  I call those things "soul suckers," and I have made a concentrated effort over the years to rid my life of them.  Sometimes it's black and white, and sometimes it's not.  Sometimes it's black and white, but it's still really hard to give it up.  Maybe we feel committed.  Maybe we feel like we'd lose ourselves without it.  But maybe we'd be better people without it.  It's complicated and scary, and I spend a lot of time pondering it all.

But this I do know: my family and friends are the number one priority in my life.  Love is the most important thing in the the world, above all else.  Still, as human beings, we play more than one role, and our "job," as it is, is to figure out how to weave all of those roles together in the most effective, most peaceful way.  Some days it's easier than others, and we'll constantly be trying to figure it out.  I just hope I get it right eventually.