Day By Day

As many of you know, my family has experienced a number of heartbreaks over the past nine months. Life started going downhill in September with the disappearance of our cat (my son), Mr. Squiggles. A few short weeks later, Jim's great aunt Betty passed away, and Indiana became grievously ill and was diagnosed with kidney disease. While still reeling from these experiences, my beloved aunt, a mother figure in my life, passed away a few days after Christmas. Add in a few other problems I won't mention here, and most days I feel in over my head.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about Mr. Squiggles or my Aunt Carole, both of whom were taken from me far too soon. Mr. Squiggles remains an open book--is he still alive? is he lost?--but Carole's loss has so much finality. Both are difficult to deal with, just in different ways.

When I think of Mr. Squiggles, which is any time I look around my home, drive by sights we've searched for him, or, really, any moment I am awake, I am filled not only with grief, but also with guilt. Charged with protecting him, I obviously let him down. Nearly nine months have passed, and we've still not been able to bring him home. What have I missed? What did I do wrong?

I think about Carole all the time too. Though I spent most of my life separated from her by most of a country, the past three years she lived 20 minutes away, something I had dreamed of my whole life. She spent all of the special days with us--birthdays, parties, holidays, or we would just get together as a family, just because. It seems like half the things I own were given to me by her, so everywhere I look, I am surrounded by her. This is a comfort and a curse. I feel her loss the most deeply when our family of 6 is gathered, and we number only 5.

Though these losses haunt me daily, I know I have much to be thankful for. Scarred by Indiana's cancer four years ago, she has survived, and I have too. I thought I would never heal, and though I still worry about her (more than I should most of the time--but that's another post), she is still stable, happy, and for a dog who has been through so much, healthy.

Every day I struggle to get out of bed, to complete all my tasks, and do all my jobs. I mess up a lot and ignore my friends more than I should. Many things seem trivial when you've faced so much death, but really, isn't life all about those trivial things? I have many things to figure out in my life, but I'm young, and I have an amazing family to support me. I try not to push myself to figure too many things out at once. There will be time for these things. Instead, as much as I am able, I take things one day at a time. Though there are always going to be good days and bad, I know that, overall, every day will be a little bit easier. My losses will never go away, but time truly does heal all wounds. At least well enough to let us live our lives, and be happy.